Are Your Ready For Parenting?

Are you ready to be a parent?
Take this reality test and find out! (provided by our Bradley instructor)


Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed from outside and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Repeat. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (if Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, living octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of you clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Final Assignment
Find a couple who has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Gender Ultrasound Quiz

Do you know how to tell boy bits from girl bits on an ultrasound image?  Test yourself out with this quiz.  I got all of them right.  "Golden Arches" for girls and ...well... boys are easy.

Also, as a bit of political commentary:  Hooray that this election will change history.  Boo that Sarah Palin has such exterme views!

Let's Make Guacamole!

MMMM...my baby is the size of an avacado! That quarter is getting awfully small.

I'm So Sorry

I need to publicly apologize to every woman who has ever been pregnant since the dawn of time.

We have mocked you.  DH and I.  Relentlessly.  What's with the sweatpants?  Why are you waddling?  Stop touching your belly like it is precious!

I'm sorry.  I'm not waddling yet but I always thought it was just laziness that made pregnant women waddle.  Now I know that your hips feel like they are an extra 10 inches apart and you have a log between your knees.  I have to feel like I'm walking pigeon-toed to be walking normal!  And your hips just hurt.  They are definitely moving around and just don't seem to sit right anymore.  And, I'm not even big yet!

My belly is precious!  I love touching it.  It is like stroking my baby and sending her waves of love from my hand inside.  It isn't to get attention from anyone but my baby.

Sweatpants...ok I still think this is terrible.  Wearing sweatpants in public if you aren't going to the gym should be punishable by 5 years community service.  Seriously, there is no reason not to look good when you are pregnant.  There are lots of elastic waist pants that aren't sweatpants - get some!  Sweatpants are for home and gym - that's it!

That brings me to another pet peeve.  I hate when pregnant women say "oh, I'm so fat.  I look so ugly.  My husband must be so turned off."  SHUT UP.  You aren't fat, you are building a human being.  Remember those layers of fat are gifts from Heaven to ensure your survival and that of your baby.  You don't look ugly, you look pregnant.  A belly huge with life is more beautiful than a flat belly full of celery and diet coke.  If your husband thinks you look ugly then he is an ass.  I'm sorry, pure and simple.  Your husband should be enamored of your beautiful body and the amazing miracle it is producing.  Seriously, if your husband is that callous of a person are you sure you want him to father your daughters?  What you think about effects how you feel and what you do.  So, shut up and stop saying you are fat.

I am the culmination and continuation of centuries of motherhood.  I am nature at its best.  Round and lush and beaming with the miracle of life.  You are too.  Don't forget it.

Even when you waddle.

My Developing Birth Plan

**I was thinking about turning off comments for this post so I don't get any negative responses but decided I would miss all the good positive responses (if any). I don't mind civil discourse but please refrain from telling me I'm nuts, k? thanks**

In case you didn't know I'm a research librarian. That means that I've already read every mainstream book on pregnancy and childbirth and I'm having to delve into obscure texts and scientific literature. Because of this I'm starting early on my birth plan and actually my birth philosophy. I keep reading because it is so discouraging the comments I get from other Moms. When I ask "did you have an epidural?" they look at me like I'm crazy and say "hell, yeah." Forget even mentioning I want to "go natural" they outright laugh at me. I've decided not to bring it up anymore but some people ask me what I want. Unfortunately, besides on my message boards I know no woman who had (or wanted) a natural birth. The condescending "oh she'll break" attitude is really hard to take. So, I will be well informed - and after all, as with this blog, my true audience is my baby. I want her to know why I did what I did.

So, first - we decided to go with a midwife. There are many reasons for this and reading books about natural childbirth will give them all to you but here is the one that really sunk in for me: Obstetricians are trained surgeons. Did you hear that? SURGEONS. They exist for surgical intervention (forceps, vacuum extraction, and cesareans). Now, this isn't a bad thing at all and thank God we live in a time with such a low infant/maternal mortality rate. But 95% of all births do not need surgery. So, why do 90% of American women use OBs for their maternity care? Second just think about it - the OB comes in for the last 1/2 hour - she is there to make sure your baby is delivered alive and healthy. A midwife, being a nurse (in our case), treats both patients - the mother and the baby - and helps with the overall birth experience.

Birth experience? Yeah, most people aren't big on those. Birth is something to "survive" and "get through." The result is desirable (a baby) but the process is not (labor and delivery). This wasn't always the case. It is hard to explain to most women why anyone would every consider a "painful" delivery when medicine exists to blissfully take it away. I admit at first it was hard for me to explain - I didn't know why it just felt right. I think the reason is kind of spiritual. I remember talking to my sister once about breastfeeding. I think she might have said she didn't want to do it. I made her yell (picture Cuba Gooding Jr. yelling "show me the money") "I am a MAMMAL!" LOL My point was that our bodies were uniquely made for just that thing and we were cheating ourselves out of our purpose by not breastfeeding. I feel the same way about experiencing labor and birth completely.

My mom's birth of me, although she tells it fondly and wouldn't typify it this way, was traumatizing! She had no idea what was going on, she was alone, she wasn't asked about anything. She actually hallucinated in the delivery room. She remembers seeing smoke and a big butcher knife in the dr. hand. Now, I'm hoping this was hallucination because I'm pretty sure even in 1975 huge kitchen knives were not used for episiotomies. She also tells how she was gripping the bed rail in fear and the nurse kept telling her to relax and let go so she could insert the IV. Mom remembers wanting to comply but watching idly by as the nurse peeled her hand free finger by finger. She also had a first reaction to her baby (me) of bland disinterest. Of course she did! She was in shock and relieved to have the trauma over. (Note, I have an awesome mom and she bonded the hell out of me eventually.) My dad, who was forced to wait for word of his wife's fate remembers pounding on the nursery glass because he thought the nurse was handling me roughly for my first bath. He, of course, had yet to even hold me.

Now trust me, I know that all medicalized births are not like this and that some babies would die without medical intervention. But, this is not the birth experience I imagine for myself. Even Jenny McCarthy (whose book Belly Laughs is hilarious and a must read for expecting mothers), who birthed her son in this millenium had an IV for fluids, and epidural, and a catheter - she might as well have been tied to a bed!

Lots of things in life that are worthwhile hurt. Running a marathon, training to be an elite gymnast, etc. Have you ever seen a ballet dancer's feet bleed? I remember when I backpacked to the continental divide in Rocky Mountain National Park. I had everything I needed strapped to my back and I had to get to the top of the trail before nightfall to set up my tent. I thought I was going to DIE! Every part of me hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I really thought I couldn't go on. But I did. I put up my tent with numb fingers, tied my food in a anti-bear canister and slung it over a tree branch and finally collapsed fully dressed, in my hiking boots into my sleeping bag. The next morning when I woke up at the top of a mountain I wanted to cry again at how beautiful it was and how worth the pain the experience was. I'll never forget this - it one of the greatest experiences of my life.

I guess what it comes down to is this: I am more powerful than I know. I am uniquely made to birth a baby. I know that barring circumstances that threaten the life of my baby, I CAN give birth as women have for millenia. I know it will hurt but I also know it will feel exhilarating.

I can't wait...to dance!

Ok, new series of posts planned. DH and I were talking about what we are most looking forward to in parenthood. I'm going to post them a little at a time.

I can't wait to dance with my child. When they are little just twirling them in my arms...and later I can move the furniture out of the way and teach them to jitterbug like my mom did with my sister and I.

I love to dance and I love music. When I was a kid it felt like we danced every day. My dad would put records on and I'd dance and dance. I said when I turned 5 (and was, of course, all grown up) Dad would take me to Yew Nork City and he'd play records while I danced on stage.

So with dreams of dancing with my children, this one's for Mom:



And for helping me with my first career aspiration (and every one after that), this one's for Dad: (I could only find a sims video but the song is what counts!)

That Beautiful Heartbeat

Today I had a midwife appointment and got to hear the baby's heartbeat with doppler. She warned us that it can take some time to find and then "bam" she laid the sensor on my belly dead on. This isn't our baby but here is an example of what we heard: Fetal Heartbeat. Mom asked "did it sound like a girl or a boy heartbeat!" LOL.


The top of my uterus (fundus) is about 2 inches below my belly button! She asked if we are having twins, lol. So I must be carrying high or something. I also lost 4 lbs for a total of 6 lbs lost and I was worried but she wasn't at all. I guess it is a good start to help me avoid gaining too much weight.

Our next appt. is 9/11 and then the big ultrasound on 9/26. We can have one other person in the room and I invited my mom. Forgot to ask about recording, so I'll have to check on that.

As you know, we are doing a black and white panda theme for the nursery.  Pandas are just the cutest things EVER!  Check this out.  If it doesn't make you want to cry with overwhelming cuteness, seek professional help.

Depositions and Headaches

DH and I went to a deposition today for an accident we were in 2 1/2 years ago.  The accident was a 3 car pile up with us smushed in the middle but it also involved 2 dogs loose on the expressway so it is kind of messy who is responsible.  Anyway, it was weird being questioned thoroughly.  It was mostly civil but my lawyer and the defense lawyer kind of got into it at one point.  I felt like I was on an episode of law and order.

Friday is my next midwife appointment and I'm ramping up with questions.  My two biggest concerns are weight and headaches.  I haven't gained any weight and I'm worried that I will have lost weight.  Although I've been nauseas I can't blame it on that because I haven't really be throwing up.  I'm also worried about these killer headaches I get everyday.  I know that is common with pregnancy but the tylenol doesn't even put a dent in it.  Maybe she can find the cause and help me with a treatment.  I'm also hoping that my next appointment which will be at 18 weeks will be my big ultrasound!  They usually wait till 20 weeks but I'm just dying to know if it is a boy or girl so I can stop calling it "it".

Witty post title

Finally back from my leadership development program.  It is more like therapy than training.  Learning about yourself and such.  Basically, I'm an extreme extrovert with sunshine beaming out of my butt.  It has its pros and cons.

Well above is our beautiful baby!  Look how big!  She has fingerprints and hair on her head now.  Unbelievable.

Beautiful Crib

DH and I set up the crib last night.  It is so beautiful it made me want to cry.  My mom bought us the bedding set of vintage black toile and DH's mom bought the black finish crib.  It is so amazing I can't stop looking at it.  I'll post pictures soon.

I'm sitting in a nice hotel right now on business travel.  Fortunately I'm actually not far from home and didn't have to fly for a change! I hope my morning sickness hides its head for the week