I feel so blessed now by my rock-bottom landing and bounce back. Not only has it given me back my long-lost and much needed faith in God but it has had many other blessings.One is a wonderfully renewed marriage. More about that later.I am amazed to find I feel no jealousy toward mothers or pregnant women! I am free from that oppressive, dark emotion. I feel overjoyed for them – they are being given (or have been giving) a wonderful gift! I have several pregnant friends and I truly feel joy for them – not forced joy.I wonder if I’m… Continue reading The Difference a Year Makes...oh, and CD1
My application for the IVF grant is out of my hand. I felt like I smashed my heart flat and pushed it through that fax machine.Please, please, please. Dear God, please… Continue reading With a Fax and a Prayer
HandsBlue veins snake across the backlike streams meandering through a flat plain.Rough calluses dot the fingerscreating dry patches of skin.The palms are lined in crisscrossing patternslike an old man’s face.Nails are broken and haphazardpolish worn and old.cracked.These are my mother’s hands.Palm to palm,these hands taught me to pray;hid faces for peek-a-boo;clapped together at my small victories.Fingers,these hands held mine to cross the street;felt my forehead for fever;wiped tears from my cheeks when I fell.Calluses,these hands sewed tiny pearls on a long bridal veilwashed untold loads of laundrygripped the steering wheel of my taxi to school dances.Blue veins snake across the… Continue reading Hands
Ah! Why didn’t I find a support group years ago?
Last night I went to my first infertility support group offered through my church, Still Waters. It is lead by the author of Guide Me Through This Barren Land: A Devotional for the Childless Woman, Vicki Caswell. There were 5 of us including the leader so it was a very small intimate group. I told my story briefly – I was very worried about this since christians have such a wide variety of views on reproductive technology. I was honest with what we had tried and were willing to try… Continue reading Still Waters
So it has been several weeks since that doctor’s appt. and I have procrastinated terribly on filling out the paperwork for that grant for IVF.
Procrastinate isn’t the right word. People procrastinate when they are apathetic. I am far from apathetic I am terrified.
I feel like this is the writing of my life. What I say here will determine if we can have a child. I know this isn’t rational – but come on! This beats any college app or grad school paper ever. I wish I knew the key to unlock their hearts and let them pour their money on… Continue reading The Big Beg
